76. "Content is lyrics, process is music."

"The content of a conversation is what we talk about; the process is how we conduct the talking. Content is lyrics, process is music. Which is it that most directly speaks to feelings? From the point of view of feelings, process, like music, goes directly to our soul, while content must be analyzed intellectually. If we feel listened to and respected, we can take a rebuff. If we feel dismissed or patronized, even if we get our way, we’re likely to be dissatisfied.

Shifting the focus of the conversation from content to process can be a very effective way of resolving communication problems. When my wife asks what I want for dinner, pasta or chicken, and I say I don’t care, what I’m often missing is that she’s asking for a little companionship, a little mutual ownership of a decision. If I say, "Chicken sounds good," but say it with a "Don’t interrupt me" attitude, I’m still dismissing her, event though I’ve answered her question. She will feel diminished (and I’ll feel guilty, even if I’m not consciously aware of it). What she can do is say, "Don’t ignore me like that," or "It wouldn’t hurt you to take your nose out of your book for a minute" – shifting from content to process, letting me know that I’ve been rude, letting me know that she just needs a reasonable amount of attention."

From "Undoing Depression" by Richard O’Connor, Ph.D., Berkley Books, New York